Director and screenwriter Woody Allen was born Allen Stewart Konigsberg in Brooklyn (1935). He hated school as a kid. He said, "I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school." Every day, when Allen got home from school, he immediately went into his bedroom and shut the door. He spent all his time reading, learning to play the saxophone, and teaching himself magic tricks.
He started writing jokes, and then directing movies. In the 1970s, he started working on an autobiographical movie. When Allen turned the rough cut of the movie into the studio, it was several hours long, with almost no plot, and he wanted to call it Anhedonia, which is the name of a psychological disorder in which a person is unable to experience pleasure. The studio helped him cut the movie down to a more reasonable length, and they found themselves cutting almost everything except for the scenes with Diane Keaton, who played Woody Allen's love interest. So they named the move after her character, and it became Annie Hall (1977). It went on to win the Academy Awards for best picture, best director, and best actress.
Everybody says that comedy is harder to do. That's become a truism by now, but it's wrong. Comedy is not harder.The hardest thing is to do good work, whatever it is.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.They rented out my room.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
I am at two with nature.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
*Two elderly women are at a Catskill restaurant. One of them says, ‘Boy, the food at this place is just terrible.’ The other one says, ‘Yeah I know. And such small portions.’ Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life. Full of misery, loneliness and suffering and unhappiness – and it’s all over much too quickly”
*“I am plagued by doubts. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In which case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”
*“You have no values. With you it’s all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.”
“Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan and win!”
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."
I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
I'm so excited—I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
In the event of war, I'm a hostage.
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I'm astounded by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
94.5% of all statistics are made up.
